When the world goes quiet, what do you hear? It's late at night and the streetlights come on, the neighbors dog finally stops barking, the birds stop chirping, and the kids that play at the park behind your house head home for the night. The world seems to go quiet. You lay down in bed, looking up at the ceiling, alone with just you and your thoughts. What plays in your mind?
Every single night for over 14 months, the same question replayed in my head, “What’s the point of it all?” The more I thought about it, the louder it grew. I tried everything to make it stop. I blasted music through my headphones, I stayed up at night scrolling on my phone to distract myself, I tried to keep myself busy until one day I just couldn’t anymore. I was eventually consumed by my own thoughts. The same question I couldn’t stop asking myself also forced me to search for an answer. My teachers have always reported that I’m a great problem solver, but this time it seemed there was no solution. I gave up. I stopped replying to messages, I stopped eating, and I stopped speaking. I couldn’t focus in class like I used to, so my once perfect grades dropped, and suddenly my teachers stopped acknowledging my problem solving skills. They told me I just need to try harder, and as I silently stared back at them with heavy eyes and a heavier heart, I thought of the same thing I had been thinking of every moment for weeks, “Why?” .
Although I was silent on the outside, inside my head was unbearably loud. I often found myself socially isolating. I was constantly alone with my thoughts. Things just got worse, and at my lowest, before I went to sleep at night, a part of me wished I wouldn’t awake the next day, yet morning came every time. After the sun had risen and I realized I was awake, all I could do was cry. Each time I woke up, I knew I had to face another day silently fighting for my life. The weight of the world was like no other, and I had to carry it with me for yet another day, each step more painful than the last.
There was one night in particular where everything changed. Once again I was sitting alone on my bed, staring at the blank wall in front of me. As tears streamed down my face, I looked up, I saw my cat sleeping on the foot of my bed. For the first time in what felt like forever, instead of thinking about the meaning of my existence, I thought of something else. If I wasn’t here, who would care enough to talk to my cat? I thought back to when I was younger, I would come home and immediately tell my cat about my day, even though he never responded. So this got me thinking about similar experiences, like how for each of my friends’ birthdays, I would write down everything I loved about them just so they would know I appreciate them. I remembered how almost every single night I would go on long walks around my neighborhood and stop to pet every single cat I saw. Memories of everything I have done to spread my love to the world came flooding in. But what I really remembered, is who I truly am. I’m a thoughtful person with so much love to share with the world. I remembered that the light inside me used to shine so bright, until one day when my light gave out.
I now wake up every morning, ready for another great day. Every morning is a new opportunity to make someone's light shine brighter. Everyday I can help others carry the weight I once walked alone with. Now of course I’m not anywhere near perfect, and there are people who would tell you I’m not a kind person, but that just gives me even more reason to keep pushing. Everyday I wake up and strive to be an even better person than I was the day before.
Some days I do think back on that question that once controlled my life, and I ask myself once again, what is the point of all this? Well now I have finally found my answer, my motivation, and my reason for living. It’s to show the world that whatever darkness that consumes you won’t last forever. I want to help others going through the same thing I once did and give them hope that they will get better, and I want to tell them that the greatest thing you can offer the world is your love.